Stuck in reverse

I saw you stand out in a crowd. I thought - you're different. I met you. I came to know you. We shared songs and a few moments. A few nights spent in a house outside school - I was magnetized by you.

It wasn't abrupt you see, it took over my being slowly by the days. You and a friend of mine had gotten together and I was happy for you. Genuinely happy for two of my friends to be happy - that's what I felt.

Later on you were already breaking it off, and as a veritable friend, I was there. I was a friend who got your back when challenges and pains faced you. I would find time for you when you needed someone to lean on, or when you simply needed company - even if I had no time for myself. There we were, two people spending time with each other as friends.

That's what it meant for me, nothing more, nothing less. I could not put more meaning to it because he was my friend and you had to end things with him. I understood. I helped.

More time were spent with each other, until a time spent apart. For a few days, a huge part missing in my life was you. I confessed, and so did you - we had to tell each other, we wanted to be together. How together? I couldn't tell.

When time came again when we could be together, we weren't. I was holding back. I was not sure how you felt, but maybe, just maybe, you were feeling the same way. We came upon a realization that another friend has long been in the picture. I failed to handle that. He was a close friend and I would tell him about us, but I couldn't - I'd rather be taken out of the picture than take someone out of it. But he did so himself voluntarily. It hurt not just him, but me too.

I held to your words that it was how things should be. I was convinced his backing off was right. I couldn't blame you for that, words were there to prove it. Nonetheless, yet again I was holding back.

I was holding back because of many reasons, but to put all those reasons into one word, "complicated" couldn't be more apt. I would read you as someone who's not ready for anything serious, and I was someone who was not ready for someone who's not ready. No less important was the situation we were in, considering our friends'. No less important too, was the issue of publicity. Problems have been caught around us, but I was hopeful, hanging on to the vivid possibility of an "us", but always holding back.

One hazy night though, it seemed as if we had ignored all the problems and all that mattered was each other. I knew in myself it was quite unreal, but it was close to what I honestly wanted. How could I blame us for trying, when we were just trying something I wish I truly had, something I wish we truly shared.

Upon one awakening however, we had no option but to bounce back to reality. The problematic became even more problematic. We were just warming up, eventually, it was already too hot to handle so you had to let go of it in an instant - you did. I had been shut off and it was not easy for me. A lot of questions arose and none were given any clear answers. I had to result to means, and it made things worse for me - it made me look stupid, I was irrational, I admit.

I tried to decode it as some little thing gone really wrong, and I was just overreacting. I really don't know. The lack of answers had me thinking, and I simply could not blame myself. Painful as it was, I had to take it in just because there was never really something permanent to hold on to. I guess that's the real reason why I've always held back since - because I know there could nothing be permanent in all of these to hold on to, nothing really to claim.

I just hoped that there was more honesty that filled the blanks and questions that bothered me. I just hoped, that if there were any feelings at all, it would have been expressed and understood. Right timing was really an issue here, communication was, too.

I guess there'd been too many shortcomings on my part that led to the uncertainty which led to what now really is - nothing at all. I guess both of us failed to do our part to meet halfway. So now, here I am, still a friend of yours understanding you, the difference this time, is that I'm a distant one. I assure you, I'm not letting go of the 'us' - the 'us' that was, is the 'us' that still is, because it never really changed, the 'us' that has always been - two friends.

Because a song won't tell it all.

in the unexpected intersection of worlds,

though happens rare,

feeling it loud as words

had sufferings not been enough

and all things rough

had you been with me,

we'd both be tough

i can tell in your eyes

windows of no lies

the thought of 'us'

would be more than nice

why hold back

to the mutual affection

hoping, dreaming,

wandering in all directions

you're my finality

so when you're weary,

here for you sincerely,

i'd be your one and only

(based on a song by Up Dharma Down)

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Beauty will Conquer AS in UP Diliman

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Hour of Need

Another semester is over. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? I am the kind of person who would at any point in time simply smile and thank the skies for whatever is in my life. Whether it is misfortune or blessings – I look at the brighter side of things and tell my self, “This is here for good reasons. Live with it. Make the most out of it.”

Every single day, as the person that I am, I would just sing my lungs out, or dance the night away, just to erase all the problems, all the stress away for a while. I would tell myself I should be really thankful for the friends for being able to crack jokes and make me laugh so hard, for the fellow student council members who are there working so hard with me to fulfill the goals we’ve set for ourselves, for the family who’d give me guidance and home.

Every song I hear, I would jump for joy thinking of the real good things in life. I’d think of hugs and kisses, of fun and laughter, of wisdom and learning, of hope and ambition – the good in the past and present, and the hopeful in the future.

But for the good things, there are sacrifices I make every day. By simply going to school I have to spend a lot and the commute is an exhausting one to one hour and a half. By trying to achieve my best in my academics and my council work, I barely sleep. By trying to give time for my friends and family, I keep myself awake and seemingly happy each minute I spend with them. For the good things in life – hugs and kisses, fun and laughter etc., I am pressed in time. I barely have any time for myself. I barely give myself attention.

It is nonetheless, settling for me to see my loved ones okay and happy. That gives me more hope to give the next day another push.

I run after so many things, and I run against the clock. I run after academic excellence, happiness with friends, performance in the student council, quality time with family and contributions in the household. And like every runner in the world, there comes a time when you just can’t take it any more, when you just have to take a break and breathe.

When you think you deserve a break, sometimes you have to think again. Sometimes, when you think you’ve gotten what you’ve been chasing, you’d feel it simply fading away. There are times when you think you’ve exhausted all of yourself, pushed and pushed your way to where you wanted to get, just to see that you’re still stuck in the same old place you were like you didn’t even try.

Nobody said it was easy.

If it's Love (Train) or Just Another Crush?

A friend of mine posted this song in Facebook and I really like it.

I think this friend of mine is happily in love, because this is a happy song.

And I'm happy for him. The Chorus goes like:

"If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too"

But to me, this remains to be just a dream. There is no one person I could actually tell that to. Lonely huh. Perhaps. But loneliness isn't always a problem. Most of the time, it's just a mere fact a person has to face. A fact that will exist only until one's truly special person comes to his life. A time when one could tell me

"You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again"

True enough; everybody has a past. But not so long ago, that 'past' used to be the present.

That is where I am right now - a 'now' waiting to be a 'then'. But when?

"If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
Then the rest is just whenever"

(click here to listen to the song)

A New Year's Eve Sentiment

a year has passed and all that pain's gone, but the memory of it stays - but not as pain, not anymore, rather, as a lesson - a lasting mark that inspires a new brand of loving - one that is more decisive yet careful, more reasonable but passionate, above all, one that's clearer, truer.

My dear Christmas Wish

To my dear Christmas wish,

Just to be honest, my Christmas was cold...it was dry,
my family kept me warm but what kept me warm more was the very thought of you. The thought that maybe some day, we will be okay - better than how we were before the vacation, better than how you treated me after I've told you I like you...

You are such a very complicated person, someone who would be very hard to read. How can I read you when you're a shut book? How can I tell myself there is absolutely nothing behind your big cover, if I haven't been able to bring it down?

I am hoping though, that once the truth comes out, and it will, that you will be happy, maybe not happy with me, but let me be there, let me be there for you.
But insofar as the present is concerned? One thing I'm sure of - that's I want you by my side, make my winter warm, make my days brighter, bring my true smile back - only you could do that.

If you are indeed reading this, then I'd be glad to consider myself lucky. Lucky basically because we haven't exactly been best of friends the past weeks but at least now you know what my heart's been saying. It was not at all easy to tell that you are my Christmas wish...as a cliche goes, "all I want for Christmas is YOU", well that's not true...'cause all I want for Christmas is us.
:)

Love love.
JE M Miguel Eva VIII