It wasn't abrupt you see, it took over my being slowly by the days. You and a friend of mine had gotten together and I was happy for you. Genuinely happy for two of my friends to be happy - that's what I felt.
Later on you were already breaking it off, and as a veritable friend, I was there. I was a friend who got your back when challenges and pains faced you. I would find time for you when you needed someone to lean on, or when you simply needed company - even if I had no time for myself. There we were, two people spending time with each other as friends.
That's what it meant for me, nothing more, nothing less. I could not put more meaning to it because he was my friend and you had to end things with him. I understood. I helped.
More time were spent with each other, until a time spent apart. For a few days, a huge part missing in my life was you. I confessed, and so did you - we had to tell each other, we wanted to be together. How together? I couldn't tell.
When time came again when we could be together, we weren't. I was holding back. I was not sure how you felt, but maybe, just maybe, you were feeling the same way. We came upon a realization that another friend has long been in the picture. I failed to handle that. He was a close friend and I would tell him about us, but I couldn't - I'd rather be taken out of the picture than take someone out of it. But he did so himself voluntarily. It hurt not just him, but me too.
I held to your words that it was how things should be. I was convinced his backing off was right. I couldn't blame you for that, words were there to prove it. Nonetheless, yet again I was holding back.
I was holding back because of many reasons, but to put all those reasons into one word, "complicated" couldn't be more apt. I would read you as someone who's not ready for anything serious, and I was someone who was not ready for someone who's not ready. No less important was the situation we were in, considering our friends'. No less important too, was the issue of publicity. Problems have been caught around us, but I was hopeful, hanging on to the vivid possibility of an "us", but always holding back.
One hazy night though, it seemed as if we had ignored all the problems and all that mattered was each other. I knew in myself it was quite unreal, but it was close to what I honestly wanted. How could I blame us for trying, when we were just trying something I wish I truly had, something I wish we truly shared.
Upon one awakening however, we had no option but to bounce back to reality. The problematic became even more problematic. We were just warming up, eventually, it was already too hot to handle so you had to let go of it in an instant - you did. I had been shut off and it was not easy for me. A lot of questions arose and none were given any clear answers. I had to result to means, and it made things worse for me - it made me look stupid, I was irrational, I admit.
I tried to decode it as some little thing gone really wrong, and I was just overreacting. I really don't know. The lack of answers had me thinking, and I simply could not blame myself. Painful as it was, I had to take it in just because there was never really something permanent to hold on to. I guess that's the real reason why I've always held back since - because I know there could nothing be permanent in all of these to hold on to, nothing really to claim.
I just hoped that there was more honesty that filled the blanks and questions that bothered me. I just hoped, that if there were any feelings at all, it would have been expressed and understood. Right timing was really an issue here, communication was, too.
I guess there'd been too many shortcomings on my part that led to the uncertainty which led to what now really is - nothing at all. I guess both of us failed to do our part to meet halfway. So now, here I am, still a friend of yours understanding you, the difference this time, is that I'm a distant one. I assure you, I'm not letting go of the 'us' - the 'us' that was, is the 'us' that still is, because it never really changed, the 'us' that has always been - two friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment