My dear Christmas Wish (part 2)


After 5, yes FIVE years, I am writing about the same person - my dear Christmas Wish (CW).
Part one was posted December 27, 2009, so technically that's almost 5 years.

Anyway, it seems shocking I'm writing about the same person again. Back then, I write about CW with a hopeful tone trying to daydream about the beautiful things that could happen between us. Since, it has been a HUGE roller coaster ride.

Let me start off with events that happened in December 16, 2012, two years ago. CW and I started seeing each other but on a very superficial level. It quickly escalated because unlike before, this time it was CW who had strong feelings for me. I could not just revive the feelings I had back in 2009 with the same person, it's a long process and it needs a getting-to-know stage version 2.0. Well, we did that and we started dating seriously. It went on for months and wonderful moments were shared, and we practically got to know each other's families and true personalities. What I described as a 'shut book' in 2009 was starting to open up. The covers started fading away and I also welcomed CW into my life. During that time, I could not say 'I love you' and 'I want to be with you forever' to CW not because these weren't true, but because I was then too afraid to commit to my first really, really serious relationship. I was afraid that I would fail CW because of my incapacity for long term commitment and lack of self love.

In May 7th, 2013, I hooked up with another person and CW was outraged by this. CW felt betrayed and cheated on - even though we were not yet committed. We started to talk about it starting from my birthday, May 8, until we made a decision on the 10th to commit. 'I love you's were finally said to each other and then we tried to work hard on the relationship. It was difficult, very difficult working on rebuilding the relationship. Betrayal and infidelity has always been a crusher of relationships and commitments, but this time we did everything to keep it all together.

Fast forward, and we've been together for one year. In May 8th 2014, by 21st birthday, CW did not show up because we had a huge fight. No gifts, no happy moments and no celebration between me and CW. Our first anniversary was coming up and it was simple.

Fast forward again to this month, November 2014. I discover that CW has been cheating on me since March of the same year. Like a friend puts it, we only had an honest, real relationship from the day I committed to the relationship (May 2013) to the day CW was unfaithful (March 2014). That's 10 months of an honest and serious relationship. But what about the rest of the 2 years that we've been "together"? What do I make up of the 14 months?

14 months of betrayal, deception, or even hypocrisy? I was a changed man when CW came into my life because I learned how to be honest with a relationship, but CW broke the vow through infidelity.

Now I am having nightmares and anxiety attacks over these troubles. I know so a lot of details about CW's unfaithfulness - that is started in March, that it was someone from the past, and worst of all, that CW actually fell in love with the person. Now, I pretend I know none of these. But I will soon confront CW once we see each other. What will happen next, and how will part 3 look like? We'll see.

When Running is Over

While jogging earlier I realized something profound:

When you keep running away from something, you might later just find yourself in the same place. But if you rethink, reassess and reflect on your direction, you might just see that you're running away from something instead of running towards something else.

It's pretty simple, really. Looking back is good, but all that bad things, the bad people, the bad experiences should not dictate where you're going.

For example: when a person you were with has taken you for granted for the longest time and it was too late when you realized that s/he had you but never did deserve you. No matter how vague the two of you were, no matter how much forceful forgetting you've done to cut him/her loose; it's never too late to realize your worth and take time to wait for that right person who would not take for granted all your efforts, time, laughter and thoughtfulness. Maybe giving it to that person, or at that time, was nothing but a stupid mistake, but it's not your fault you have all of those to offer.

Another example: when you might have just had the most perfect, idyllic and deep connection with someone yet the times dictate that you are in a mistake of a situation. Getting caught up in between a committed relationship is an experience, but in the long run, it is no fun. Making the best decisions for the future of both of you may pain you. Forgetting and disconnecting with the one person who made you absolutely happy to go back to his/her first love should not stop you from being hopeful that maybe for some other person, and/or some other time, you'd be the "first love".

And for instance, you've tried to finally correct your chronic mistakes in the past and try with another person a slow and assuring attempt at love, however, imperfection cannot escape you as mistakes are made in the process. Avoiding the same mishaps as with the other guys/girls, you then realize that the more you act on your fear of losing someone, the more you tend to cast them out. The more afraid and cautious you are of being left alone, the more you give them reasons to leave. But do not forget that you're too precious to stick with someone who doesn't fit in your heart

Now where does one find her/himself after all these experiences? One may opt to just keep looking back and know exactly what s/he's running away from and avoiding, or choose to pause and realize the mistakes and run towards, and passionately chase something good: like love. As with any happy-ending story, if it's happiness you want to embrace, then let the good things outweigh the bad.

So what triggered this reflection earlier out of nowhere while jogging around the UP Academic Oval? I was hurriedly in search for the next song that motivates me to run, a happy one, as my music player scans through songs I put onto my playlist during those down days. Now at my desk, I'm updating my playlist.

No one should expect you to quickly diagnose mistakes, get a treatment for it and recover from all the bad experiences you've had. It takes courage to face it, passion to chase it, and the persistence to undergo several steps towards that goal. Deleting an old playlist and replacing it with a new positive one is one simple start you should not underestimate, but the process continues.

Next Time, Dig Deeper

It's been over a year now since my last blog entry at Sabaw. It is not however been that long since I had anything that I really wanted to write here.

Stuck in Reverse was written in December 20, when I was with someone who I thought truly had my heart and my future. Exactly 320 days later, when I have completely moved on, I met someone else - someone I clicked with right away. This was a much more hopeful thing. It showed that what I had last December of 2010 was nothing compared to what could actually become a relationship.

Here's a simple message to that person:

You dear, went so far to be with me. We talked for hours and later found ourselves in each other's arms. You said my kiss was one of the best things that had ever happened to your life. You said you love me already. I never, not even for a second, believed any of those crap were true.

But days went by, I did not have to believe the words you were saying. I only had to have faith in your actions to know that you had feelings and I was starting to have feelings as well.

When weeks went by, it seemed like the words were becoming a lie. I felt a part of me fading away - the part of me that I've already given to you. In absolute measure, this time was really fast. But when you talk about intense feelings and intimacy, the absolute measure of time is negligible and time becomes slower and slower.

After two months, it's New Year's Eve. I had to spend it alone in my condo. That wasn't the sad part. The sad part was our conversation - the first one we had since we parted ways at the airport about two weeks prior. It went by with explanations and all, but ultimately it ended with a simple message: let's end this.

Crushed as I was, I had to face the new year. I swore to myself that in 2012, I will rise back up again and move on from the pain. Sadly though, this wasn't the first time that anyone tore my heart on New Year's Eve. Back in 2009 the same thing happened. So much for history repeats itself, but maybe it really does. Another way of looking at it is more than just, you know, history. Maybe these are lessons, things we have to live with to make us stronger and wiser later on. And until we learn these lessons clearly, these things are going to happen again and again.

Admittedly, I have not learned the lessons fully. Bit by bit, yes. But am I ready for love and a serious relationship? Not yet.

We always wait or look for the one. If love's really that magical, then it comes to you in magical ways. Being ready is not just about being responsible or being cautious, like I said in Stuck in Reverse. It is also about believing once again that the magic exists - to a point you're willing to take the risk for it. It has to be with the person that made you believe in the magic once again. I may not yet have reached that point, but I am slowly getting there. For now, I'll leave you with this one quotation: "Unusual travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

Full text:

My dear,

Sure, you're probably not where you expected you'd be right now, but maybe that's exactly where you're supposed to be. Maybe the winds have pushed you off your path for a reason. Maybe the rocks in you way are there so you can pick them up, throw them away and get stronger in the process. Maybe the road ahead of you is long so that you can learn how to endure. And maybe you're walking instead of driving so that you discover the simplicity and complexity of being you, alone, in a vast world. Unusual travel suggestion are dancing lessons from God.

Take heed and learn the dance. Dance again and spin and dance again, learn the dance 'till your heart's content.

Falsely yours,

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Stuck in reverse

I saw you stand out in a crowd. I thought - you're different. I met you. I came to know you. We shared songs and a few moments. A few nights spent in a house outside school - I was magnetized by you.

It wasn't abrupt you see, it took over my being slowly by the days. You and a friend of mine had gotten together and I was happy for you. Genuinely happy for two of my friends to be happy - that's what I felt.

Later on you were already breaking it off, and as a veritable friend, I was there. I was a friend who got your back when challenges and pains faced you. I would find time for you when you needed someone to lean on, or when you simply needed company - even if I had no time for myself. There we were, two people spending time with each other as friends.

That's what it meant for me, nothing more, nothing less. I could not put more meaning to it because he was my friend and you had to end things with him. I understood. I helped.

More time were spent with each other, until a time spent apart. For a few days, a huge part missing in my life was you. I confessed, and so did you - we had to tell each other, we wanted to be together. How together? I couldn't tell.

When time came again when we could be together, we weren't. I was holding back. I was not sure how you felt, but maybe, just maybe, you were feeling the same way. We came upon a realization that another friend has long been in the picture. I failed to handle that. He was a close friend and I would tell him about us, but I couldn't - I'd rather be taken out of the picture than take someone out of it. But he did so himself voluntarily. It hurt not just him, but me too.

I held to your words that it was how things should be. I was convinced his backing off was right. I couldn't blame you for that, words were there to prove it. Nonetheless, yet again I was holding back.

I was holding back because of many reasons, but to put all those reasons into one word, "complicated" couldn't be more apt. I would read you as someone who's not ready for anything serious, and I was someone who was not ready for someone who's not ready. No less important was the situation we were in, considering our friends'. No less important too, was the issue of publicity. Problems have been caught around us, but I was hopeful, hanging on to the vivid possibility of an "us", but always holding back.

One hazy night though, it seemed as if we had ignored all the problems and all that mattered was each other. I knew in myself it was quite unreal, but it was close to what I honestly wanted. How could I blame us for trying, when we were just trying something I wish I truly had, something I wish we truly shared.

Upon one awakening however, we had no option but to bounce back to reality. The problematic became even more problematic. We were just warming up, eventually, it was already too hot to handle so you had to let go of it in an instant - you did. I had been shut off and it was not easy for me. A lot of questions arose and none were given any clear answers. I had to result to means, and it made things worse for me - it made me look stupid, I was irrational, I admit.

I tried to decode it as some little thing gone really wrong, and I was just overreacting. I really don't know. The lack of answers had me thinking, and I simply could not blame myself. Painful as it was, I had to take it in just because there was never really something permanent to hold on to. I guess that's the real reason why I've always held back since - because I know there could nothing be permanent in all of these to hold on to, nothing really to claim.

I just hoped that there was more honesty that filled the blanks and questions that bothered me. I just hoped, that if there were any feelings at all, it would have been expressed and understood. Right timing was really an issue here, communication was, too.

I guess there'd been too many shortcomings on my part that led to the uncertainty which led to what now really is - nothing at all. I guess both of us failed to do our part to meet halfway. So now, here I am, still a friend of yours understanding you, the difference this time, is that I'm a distant one. I assure you, I'm not letting go of the 'us' - the 'us' that was, is the 'us' that still is, because it never really changed, the 'us' that has always been - two friends.

Because a song won't tell it all.

in the unexpected intersection of worlds,

though happens rare,

feeling it loud as words

had sufferings not been enough

and all things rough

had you been with me,

we'd both be tough

i can tell in your eyes

windows of no lies

the thought of 'us'

would be more than nice

why hold back

to the mutual affection

hoping, dreaming,

wandering in all directions

you're my finality

so when you're weary,

here for you sincerely,

i'd be your one and only

(based on a song by Up Dharma Down)

On Facebook

Hour of Need

Another semester is over. Am I happy? Am I satisfied? I am the kind of person who would at any point in time simply smile and thank the skies for whatever is in my life. Whether it is misfortune or blessings – I look at the brighter side of things and tell my self, “This is here for good reasons. Live with it. Make the most out of it.”

Every single day, as the person that I am, I would just sing my lungs out, or dance the night away, just to erase all the problems, all the stress away for a while. I would tell myself I should be really thankful for the friends for being able to crack jokes and make me laugh so hard, for the fellow student council members who are there working so hard with me to fulfill the goals we’ve set for ourselves, for the family who’d give me guidance and home.

Every song I hear, I would jump for joy thinking of the real good things in life. I’d think of hugs and kisses, of fun and laughter, of wisdom and learning, of hope and ambition – the good in the past and present, and the hopeful in the future.

But for the good things, there are sacrifices I make every day. By simply going to school I have to spend a lot and the commute is an exhausting one to one hour and a half. By trying to achieve my best in my academics and my council work, I barely sleep. By trying to give time for my friends and family, I keep myself awake and seemingly happy each minute I spend with them. For the good things in life – hugs and kisses, fun and laughter etc., I am pressed in time. I barely have any time for myself. I barely give myself attention.

It is nonetheless, settling for me to see my loved ones okay and happy. That gives me more hope to give the next day another push.

I run after so many things, and I run against the clock. I run after academic excellence, happiness with friends, performance in the student council, quality time with family and contributions in the household. And like every runner in the world, there comes a time when you just can’t take it any more, when you just have to take a break and breathe.

When you think you deserve a break, sometimes you have to think again. Sometimes, when you think you’ve gotten what you’ve been chasing, you’d feel it simply fading away. There are times when you think you’ve exhausted all of yourself, pushed and pushed your way to where you wanted to get, just to see that you’re still stuck in the same old place you were like you didn’t even try.

Nobody said it was easy.

If it's Love (Train) or Just Another Crush?

A friend of mine posted this song in Facebook and I really like it.

I think this friend of mine is happily in love, because this is a happy song.

And I'm happy for him. The Chorus goes like:

"If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too"

But to me, this remains to be just a dream. There is no one person I could actually tell that to. Lonely huh. Perhaps. But loneliness isn't always a problem. Most of the time, it's just a mere fact a person has to face. A fact that will exist only until one's truly special person comes to his life. A time when one could tell me

"You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again"

True enough; everybody has a past. But not so long ago, that 'past' used to be the present.

That is where I am right now - a 'now' waiting to be a 'then'. But when?

"If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
Then the rest is just whenever"

(click here to listen to the song)