Next Time, Dig Deeper

It's been over a year now since my last blog entry at Sabaw. It is not however been that long since I had anything that I really wanted to write here.

Stuck in Reverse was written in December 20, when I was with someone who I thought truly had my heart and my future. Exactly 320 days later, when I have completely moved on, I met someone else - someone I clicked with right away. This was a much more hopeful thing. It showed that what I had last December of 2010 was nothing compared to what could actually become a relationship.

Here's a simple message to that person:

You dear, went so far to be with me. We talked for hours and later found ourselves in each other's arms. You said my kiss was one of the best things that had ever happened to your life. You said you love me already. I never, not even for a second, believed any of those crap were true.

But days went by, I did not have to believe the words you were saying. I only had to have faith in your actions to know that you had feelings and I was starting to have feelings as well.

When weeks went by, it seemed like the words were becoming a lie. I felt a part of me fading away - the part of me that I've already given to you. In absolute measure, this time was really fast. But when you talk about intense feelings and intimacy, the absolute measure of time is negligible and time becomes slower and slower.

After two months, it's New Year's Eve. I had to spend it alone in my condo. That wasn't the sad part. The sad part was our conversation - the first one we had since we parted ways at the airport about two weeks prior. It went by with explanations and all, but ultimately it ended with a simple message: let's end this.

Crushed as I was, I had to face the new year. I swore to myself that in 2012, I will rise back up again and move on from the pain. Sadly though, this wasn't the first time that anyone tore my heart on New Year's Eve. Back in 2009 the same thing happened. So much for history repeats itself, but maybe it really does. Another way of looking at it is more than just, you know, history. Maybe these are lessons, things we have to live with to make us stronger and wiser later on. And until we learn these lessons clearly, these things are going to happen again and again.

Admittedly, I have not learned the lessons fully. Bit by bit, yes. But am I ready for love and a serious relationship? Not yet.

We always wait or look for the one. If love's really that magical, then it comes to you in magical ways. Being ready is not just about being responsible or being cautious, like I said in Stuck in Reverse. It is also about believing once again that the magic exists - to a point you're willing to take the risk for it. It has to be with the person that made you believe in the magic once again. I may not yet have reached that point, but I am slowly getting there. For now, I'll leave you with this one quotation: "Unusual travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

Full text:

My dear,

Sure, you're probably not where you expected you'd be right now, but maybe that's exactly where you're supposed to be. Maybe the winds have pushed you off your path for a reason. Maybe the rocks in you way are there so you can pick them up, throw them away and get stronger in the process. Maybe the road ahead of you is long so that you can learn how to endure. And maybe you're walking instead of driving so that you discover the simplicity and complexity of being you, alone, in a vast world. Unusual travel suggestion are dancing lessons from God.

Take heed and learn the dance. Dance again and spin and dance again, learn the dance 'till your heart's content.

Falsely yours,

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.